Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
wanna go halves on a baby?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
