Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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