I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
