Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
