My hand turned me down
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
