Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
