Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
