Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
