drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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