No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
