Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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