the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Randomize
