I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm like, not good at living.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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