Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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