Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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