So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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