I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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