There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
