He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
