the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
