True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
