she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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