if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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