respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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