i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
