i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
