He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
