I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
