you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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