hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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