ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
