It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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