If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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