The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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