Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
