the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
