I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
