I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
