is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
