I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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