I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
