I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
