So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
