so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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