Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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