Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
