sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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