your parents love me but you hate me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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