Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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