apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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